Artificial Self-Esteem
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- 11/1/2011 |
- 10:00 am
There’s a popular movement to empower young people that is noble, yet dangerous. Countless programs have sprung up that offer to “teach young adults self-esteem.” They supply T-shirts with messages along the lines of “I’m worthy and valuable,” along with assorted books and videos that promise to grant this positive trait. But I ask you: How does one “teach” self-esteem to a child?
This is a subset of the Everyone Gets A Trophy mentality, where we won’t actually take the time to instill solid, positive work ethics in young people, but instead will simply have them walk around being proud of themselves for...for...
For what?
I would argue that self-esteem is not something to be taught or given, but rather individually earned. One cannot magically develop it without a corresponding - and rewarding - sense of effort or accomplishment. Books and videos that promise otherwise are merely a shortcut, a touchy-feely handout. Yes, there are some programs that teach young people to derive pride from actually doing the work, rather than merely anointing them with self-esteem. But too many kind-hearted people want to ensure that Ashley and Jacob somehow inherently feel good about themselves. Sorry, but that’s a sham, an entitlement mentality, where everyone “deserves” self-esteem. Artificially bestowing pride in a young person is hollow, and quite troubling if there’s no associated effort.
Real, solid feelings of self-esteem are created when one works to achieve something, and either succeeds or at least knows that they gave their best effort. No, you don’t have to win the gold medal in order to feel personally satisfied, but kids shouldn’t be taught that they’re automatically champions for just falling out of bed. How long can that house of cards remain standing? For pre-teens and teens who have been told “Yes, you now have self-esteem,” what’s the foundation? Just showing up? Before long, real life will present a vicious wake-up call.
The recipe for instilling self-esteem in a young person is:
- Teach them what they need to succeed in life, and encourage them
- Demand their best effort, and show them the importance of demanding the best from themselves
- Cheer their successes, and
- Continue to lovingly teach them when they fail
They’ll develop a healthy sense of pride, but it will come from within themselves and not from a T-shirt. After all, it’s called SELF-esteem.
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John Spalding
November 1, 2011 6:04 am
Couldn't agree more. Trophies, medals and ribbons for anything other than finishing in the top three of anything is ridiculous. I know I would have tossed a 6th place ribbon in the trash and been humiliated. (Unless I was George Patton and got 6th place in the 1912 Olympic Pentathlon.) While I am at it, not every parent needs to attend every practice of every sport or event for each child. Yes, go to the games and support your kids but EVERY practice from t-ball on up? Here's a hint--he is NEVER going to play in the big leagues. Save money to pay for college. There's no scholarship coming! -
Kandy
November 1, 2011 6:04 am
Overall I agree, however I believe self esteem is taught by example and hard work. Let my children (and others if they are watching) see me work my tail off for something that is important, and enjoy the sense of pride and fulfillment that comes with success. Let them see me celebrate my earned sense of accomplishment. Let them also see the lessons I learn if my efforts fall short. Let them see me taking advantage of every opportunity to improve. -
Katherine Kubat
November 1, 2011 6:04 am
"Give your children roots so they have wings to fly". I'm a product of tough love, make it or break it, make your own decisions & pay the consequences and learn from your mistakes. I admire the way my parents parented me and my siblings and believe it gave me the independence and strength to deal with life and the issues I face. In retrospect, I wasn't rewarded for anything I didn't earn on my own merit. My parents wouldn't fight for me when I had an issue in school, they would make me handle it on my own (this was tough at times, as other parents would get involved. Their children still depend on them and they're in their 30s..enough said). My parents focused on growing self confidence through individual problem solving and learning from the outcomes of our own decisions. I fear I won't have the same strength with my child that they had with me but hope and pray I will, as it was the right way (in my opinion) to parent! -
C. Seashore
November 4, 2011 6:04 am
Hi Dom, I heard you mention on the radio that this was a potential 'hot-button' topic... I remember back to my childhood, with praise and/or trinkets that rewarded my doing something that someone else wanted me to do. They meant nothing to me, because it was someone else's parameters that I was supposed to meet. This doesn't build up a person's self-esteem. Self-esteem comes from setting one's own goals and then meeting or exceeding them, or otherwise feeling good about the attempt thereof. I remember being awarded Presidential Physical Fitness Awards... with high standards met, oh how those were patches I was proud to wear! What an accomplishment!
